Mann's Generation, Mann Cold
by A. Mann
Summary: Season 5. Mann gets a disease named after him and starts a campaign against innuendo. Father Christmas pays a visit, and there's a violent encounter with the tooth fairy. Some parts may offend the easily offended as usual.


Mann's Generation

Mann cold

Season 5

(Most of the lines are complete, I was adding things to improve it but a computer glitch got rid of them and I can't remember them but they are just about as good anyway)

* * *

Helmsmann's Log, stardate today, Captain Picard has demanded I give more priority to the other members of the navigation and pilot department, so I will. I've called a meeting in the observation lounge, with several officers in the key staff to assign duties. For some reason, Captain Picard is sitting at the other end of the table.

Picard: Don't mind me, I used to be a pilot, I used to have a job like yours… Then I decided to do something with my life.

A PADD flies into Picard's head then lands on the floor.

* * *

In the Observation Lounge, Mann and Picard are at opposite table ends, Ro sits on Mann's left, followed by Ensign Mm, on Mann's right are Ensigns Gates, and Ensign Allenby. Everyone is holding a PADD.

Mann: Alright, Ensign Ro, I want you on the bridge this week at helm for regular day and night shifts, co-ordinate with Crewman Pigg… Odd name. Right, Gates, you are shuttle pilot on duty in bay one, and Ensign Mm, I want you in bay two, co-ordinate with the staff there to work out the other shifts, and Ensign Allenby, you can work in navigational control with Ensign Mollesta…

Everyone's eyes bulge.

Mann: It's just a name, he's half Mexican and half Antican, they merged their surnames to come up with something 'normal'.

Allenby: Aye sir.

Mann: I bet you don't ever say anything but 'aye sir'.

Allenby: Aye sir.

Mann: See?

Allenby: Aye sir.

Mann: Now, I've already set out assignments for the remaining staff, I'll be helping out at Ops this week while Commander Data takes Spot to the planet Pacifica. The watery planet… Which is an odd choice since cats hate water…

Picard and Mann sit straight and smile at each other.

Mann and Picard: Cats hate water!

They both run out the room.

Allenby: Aye sir.

* * *

Later on the bridge, everyone but Data is at a post. Mann is at Ops, and Ro is at the helm.

Mann: Captain, it appears that in some kind of emotional social experiment, Data has re-routed this station to hyperlink to various mechanical websites including 'What-Starship' and 'androidbotwelding'.

Picard: Disengage hyperlinks and restore to factory settings.

Mann: Should I back it all up first? This list looks pretty extensive.

Picard: Make it no.

Mann pushes buttons.

Mann: What the?

The view screen turns blue. Mann reads the words in grey that appear.

Mann: The console… Ops, was not shut down properly, consult operations officer manual or hit control, alt, delete to attempt restart of system. Any new files may be lost… so Spot will hack you.

Voice: This is Lieutenant Commander Data, if you are hearing this then you have attempted to reset my console to factory settings without backing up my information. Until you do, the computer system will not obey your orders… This is all part of an emotional experiment… Saying that absolves me of any wrong-doing.

Picard pulls a phaser…

Picard: Take this blue screen!

Worf: WAIT! Captain! Is it your intention to blast a hole in the viewer?

Picard: Yes.

Worf: Then at least activate a forcefield so we don't all suffocate.

Picard: Ok... Computer, Picard one seven.

A forcefield appears around Picard only.

Worf: Uh oh.

* * *

Later, Mann is inside a Jefferies tube sleeping.

Geordi is in the next section with a tool kit about to come through the door.

Geordi: Damn, my visor's cut out again… Oh well, I'll have to repair the conduit the old fashioned way…

The door opens and Geordi crawls through.

Mann wakes a moment later…

He then looks alarmed.

Mann: AAAAA!

Mann grabs Geordi's head and throws it into a pipeline, he then collapses… but the tool kit opens and a hypersonic-superheated-gelling agent falls out and burns Mann.

* * *

Later in sickbay the two are on biobeds in order from the main door. Crusher walks in from her office and stands by Mann.

Crusher: What happened?

Mann: I've had a gelling agent piped on to my arm so that the tiles stay in place.

Crusher: Tiles? Twentieth century decorative foolishness... Just like those fillings I gave you.

Geordi: Tiles killed more blind people than unfenced cliff edges in the last four hundred years.

Crusher: I can inject you with some random coloured tube compound and wait and see.

Mann: Did you ever go to medical school?

Crusher: I went to Starfleet Medical.

Geordi: Did you graduate?

Crusher: Gra-what?

Geordi: You realise now that I haven't repaired the conduit we can't use the transporter to beam her into space?

Mann: What?

Geordi: Without the repairs, we can't use the contaminant containment and purging systems.

Mann: We don't wanna contain her, that's the whole idea of beaming her into space.

Geordi: What if she somehow ran into aliens and gave them infectious idiot-ness?

Mann: You mean falling through a planetary atmosphere or a Starship?

Geordi: What's an atmosphere?

Mann: That orange thing that burns things around planets.

Geordi: No wonder I don't know. I've never seen one.

Mann irritated: Uhf… and if anyone reads the ship logs, they'll be disturbed by this incident, I'm gonna rewrite it… In some other timeline where I can be bothered.

* * *

Later on the bridge, everyone is at their post, Mann is at Ops, as before.

Picard: I am quite a wondrous pilot.

Mann: Try murderous pirate.

Picard: I can pilot.

Mann: Prove it.

Picard: I will… Ah! That time we had to evade those energy assimilators in that asteroid field a couple of years ago.

Mann: Bet you couldn't do it again.

Picard: I'll take that bet.

Mann: WHAT? I WAS KIDDING!

Picard walks over to the helm and takes over from Ensign Ro who leaves the bridge.

Mann: Sir…

Picard taps buttons.

Mann: Oh my… HE'S GONNA DO IT! RED ALERT!

The crew turn and stare in fear at Picard as the lights flash and sirens sound and the bridge standard lights go very dim.

Picard: Warp nine…

Mann: You've transferred power from the dampeners to the… MANN TO ALL HANDS! HOLD ONN!

The ship hurtles off.

Everyone but Riker and Picard is holding on tightly to consoles trying not to hit the walls.

Picard sits calmly smiling.

Riker: I can feel my flab jiggling a little bit.

Picard starts to chuckle as everyone else screams.

Mann: The force is pulling my fillings out!

Picard: Here we are, general asteroid field in Federation space.

The ship slows and everyone except Mann, Picard and Riker falls over.

The ship flies into an asteroid field that looks like every other asteroid field they have ever been to, or will go to.

Picard taps buttons as the crew go back to stations.

Picard: All systems offline, save life support and thrusters…

Mann: Shields?

Picard: No…

Mann: Commander!

Mann turns to face Riker.

Mann: Can't you relieve him or something? He did force Troi to fall on the floor.

Riker: I'm hoping he's gonna mess this up so I can relieve him, and take command as full Captain.

Mann: You couldn't get any fuller.

Riker: Observe your station... The old Data was less challenging.

Mann: Bright side Mann, look on the bright side…

Riker: What are you? Chicken?

Picard: No, turkey.

Mann: GA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AK!

Mann slumps on the console.

Picard: His heart just wasn't in it.

Everyone laughs.

Picard: Now I can do this asteroid dodging without some stupid robot speaking my every button-push.

He pushes a button.

Mann high pitched in agony: Starboard aft thruster…

* * *

Mann wakes later in sickbay on the furthest biobed with Spot scratching his hand.

Mann: Spot?

Spot sneezes.

Crusher walks in from her office.

Crusher: Damn you're awake… OH GOOD, YOU'RE AWAKE.

Mann: We made it to Pacifica?

Crusher: We did… more or less… More I think…

Mann: What?

Crusher: This large screen behind me isn't just for your vital signs, it can display things in large sizes.

Mann: Computer, access external viewing systems and focus on aft view.

The screen shows the aft of the Enterprise, looking down from the top of the saucer.

Mann: Now forward…

The display changes.

Mann: WHY IS THERE A GIANT HUNK OF ASTEROID IN THE STARBOARD OF THE SAUCER! WAIT! MY QUARTERS ARE THERE!

Crusher: It's ok, nothing was damaged.

Mann: My heart hurts, why can't I have a mechanical one?

Crusher: You don't have private healthcare, that takes time to earn.

Mann: Why is Spot sneezy?

Crusher: We beamed her aboard, she caught a cold in the water on Pacifica and we couldn't screen it out because Geordi didn't fix that conduit. A cat cold shouldn't harm anyone…

Mann sneezes.

Crusher: I think I'll take that as a coincidence.

Mann: I wouldn't…

Crusher scans Mann.

Crusher: Oh, oh no… the virus has mutated, Spot must have gotten away from Data at the biology exhibition.

Mann: BIOLOGY EXHIBITION! You beamed aboard an ill animal from a place with experimental biological agents and didn't bother waiting for proper decontamination?

Crusher: It was either that or wait another five minutes for Geordi to repair the conduit, and since Chief O'Brien wanted his lunch, we beamed her up before the conduit and system were ready.

Mann: I'm contaminnated.

Crusher: Did you add an extra N somewhere?

Mann: Twice now.

Crusher: You're the first person to become infected with a cat illness, so I can name the disease after you.

Mann: How about Mann cold? Or Mann flu?

Crusher: Everyone already knows about man-colds or man-flu.

Mann: Mann actually, twice now.

Crusher: Perhaps if you don't leave sickbay we can keep this contained.

Mann: O'Brien', Data's chemical nutrients, we're doomed, it's less contained than Pinky, and he spends most of his day in a metre by metre tank.

Crusher: Hmm. Well, I'll try and find a cure just in the nick of time.

* * *

Captain's Log, Pinky is the only one who is safe from this new batch of feline flu, or cold, whatever it is. In the meantime I've opened up a suggestion box for the crew to suggest methods of revenge against Commander Data for allowing this to happen, or whatever reason they've got... The trouble is that I put it on my door, and whenever someone inserts a suggestion, the door opens and the box falls down… Then Data kept putting Spot in the box and she hacked anyone who went near it.

* * *

In Ten Forward, Mann is sitting on the right in the corner by the window sipping a drink.

The room is occupied by several other people, Ensign Mm is at the middle of the bar talking with Guinan.

Guinan: So it's good news that it's not a serious disease, Beverley is giving out vaccinations…

Mm: Mm…

Guinan: I know you're worried about Man…

Barely audible: Mann actually.

Guinan: Just checking.

Mm smiles: Mm.

Guinan: I know, you don't have to say it. I'm a good listener and I put people at ease.

Mm nods.

Mm: Mm.

Mm turns to look at Mann… who then falls into his drink and knocks his glass over, then collapses on to the table.

Mm runs over

Mm: MM!

Guinan: Damn, my carpet…

Guinan pushes a comm button

Guinan: Captain, this is Guinan.

Picard on Comm: Guinan?

Guinan: Yes. Get over it. Is Beverley there? Mann needs medical attention and I need some of the formula from Pinky that tackles carpet stains.

* * *

Mann wakes later on the main biobed in sickbay.

Mann: I feel awful…

Ensign Mm appears at his right side.

Mann: You are brilliant, if I ever get a command you will be my number one.

Mm smiles and is about to answer…

Mann: Don't say anything, I know you'd do the same for me, and I'd run to your rescue too.

Crusher, distant: Is he conscious?

Mm loud: Mm.

Crusher walks in from her office.

Crusher: It appears this thing is mutating, it's a lot worse. It's completely f*d up your immune system.

Mann and Mm's eyes bulge in shock.

Crusher: What? I said it's completely fiddled up your immune system.

Mann: Oh, well that's not what I heard, but then I have a cold so it must be interfering with…

Mm collapses.

Mann: MM!

Crusher looks down at Mm… no I mean physically looks down, not disrespects.

Crusher: Sickbay to bridge, it's worse, and is now beyond vaccination.

Picard comm: In other words we're all screwed aren't we?

Mann: Double screwed, and you know what? I've had it, before this thing kills me I'm going to eliminate all talk of innuendo on this ship and at some point fix that device that bleeps words because it's getting it wrong.

Crusher: Innuendo for perhaps a Mexican, could itself be a form of itself…

Mann: Don't go there!

* * *

Admiral Pinky's Log, Mann has attached shock collars to the crew, save me of course, in an attempt to stop innuendo and references to a certain subject... Just 'cause I'm not collared… Oops, I mean just because I do not have a tag… Damn did it again… I do not have a shock collar on me that doesn't mean I can't help Mann's cause. He seems likely to die if he can't beat his Mann disease… because of his weakened heart and immune system.

Picard distant: I always knew he was a disease.

Pinky: What are you doing in there?

Picard: You know when I call Riker Number One, well I'm doing a Commander Data right now.

* * *

Mann's Log, I've also noticed this ship has a lot of suggestive toilet themes.

* * *

Mann is walking down a corridor later, he stops to observe some crewmen holding PADDs.

Guy 1: Is it a long way down?

Mann looks furious.

Guy 2: Would you like to see it?

Mann: HEY!

He charges at them.

Guy 1: Sir.

Guy 2: Sir.

Mann: What is going on here? I want you to can the innuendo! Understood?

Guy 1: Yes sir. Yes Ma'am.

Mann: Mann.

Guy 1: You didn't say 'actually', you must be really ill.

Guy 2: I was asking where Cargo bay four is on the map of the ship, it seems to keep changing locations. Must be starbase refit procedural relabeling. He was saying it's a long way down and offering to show me the map on his PADD.

Mann: Also the can is toilet speak. Next time you want directions, ask in a less suggestive way! Mann out!

Mann falls to the floor.

* * *

Later in sickbay Mann is on the middle biobed, next to the other two. The room is dull. He wakes.

Crusher distant: It's surprising.

Alyssa distant: I've never seen anything like it, it's overwhelming.

Crusher distant: I have at Starfleet Medical, it wasn't very exciting.

Alyssa distant: It's huge, that must really hurt.

Crusher distant: I've heard people can get used to it.

Alyssa distant: It's not a very nice biological situation for the receiver…

Mann gets up, sneezes, coughs, then stumbles into Crusher's office.

Mann gruff: I'm not dead yet, and neither is my innuendo war.

Crusher is in her chair, Alyssa is standing in front of the desk with a PADD.

Crusher: We were talking about varieties of man, Mann, and cat related illness. It really overwhelms the immune system for those who catch it.

Mann: Right...

Mann decides to faint, then falls through the glass of Crusher's office.

* * *

Mann is later hunched in a turbolift, Spot falls through the ceiling hatch on to Mann's head.

She hacks at Mann's face. She then sneezes violently and then coughs up hairballs.

Mann: AAAA! HOW CAN YOU HAVE GREY HAIRBALLS? A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

* * *

In a corridor end, Riker and Worf are talking.

Riker: Where is this damn lift?

Worf: It will be here soon, keep your pants on.

Riker: NO! I have an appointment with Troi…

The lift door opens and Mann and Spot appear dead on the floor.

Riker and Worf run in and crouch.

Mann faintly: Rephrase that Riker. It's too suggestive.

* * *

Captain's Log, it is with regret I report the death of Richard Mann. He was a fine officer, and I believe he met his death in the best of circumstances, WITH NO WILL!

Pinky: HEY!

Picard: He's dead what does he care?

Pinky: He's not, Crusher called, he's fine. He's still got his contagious disease, which is now spreading more rapidly. Everyone but me has it…

* * *

Later in sickbay Mann wakes up on the main biobed.

Mann: Why are there never any medical staff in the main sickbay?

Mann gets up and notices crewmembers on the floor.

Mann: Oh, oh no…

Mann taps his badge.

Mann: Mann to bridge… Respond… Bridge…?

Mann looks at the trolley next to his bed. There is a hypospray on it.

Mann: Hm… If I know my hopeless situations Crusher has loaded that thing with a potential cure, experimental, but she fell ill before she could use it and left for some reason, and I've woken up just in time to save the day.

Mann injects himself.

Mann's right side goes numb and swings wildly as he walks into Crusher's office and looks at her laptop screen.

Mann: Daang…

Mann reads in his head: Neural paralyser left by comatose patient Mann, he's not gonna use it. The cure for his illness is nowhere near him. The cure for the paralyser is not even on the ship… I'm so incompetent.

Mann: Shhtupid Cushr!

Mann shouts: CUNG ON! AMYWAN! CYR ME ANG HELF MY QUEW! VUH TOOF FAIRY, FAFFER C-ISS-MUSS! YESTER BUNGGY!

A huge bright light flash zaps everything.

Mann is cured and his paralysis gone.

Mann: What the? Wow…

Sorry Mann, everyone else is cured too, Crusher's about to wake up and sit back in her chair, and stop standing on Alyssa. I need her for future stories.

Mann: Oops.

Mann steps off Alyssa, she gets up. Crusher sits up in her chair.

Crusher: What happened?

Mann: Either the tooth fairy, Father Christmas, Easter Bunny…

* * *

Later the Enterprise is at warp.

* * *

Mann and Picard are on the couch in the ready room, Pinky is observing the conversation.

Mann: It couldn't have been cured by any of those mythical creatures, I bet it was a Q.

Picard shouts with senility: Q! GET OFF MY BRIDGE!

Mann: We can eliminate the former three from the list easily.

Picard: How?

Mann: I need a tooth.

Picard: Hold on, Picaddulafuj.

Geordi Comm: Yes Captain?

Picard: Report to Counsellor Troi's office.

Geordi Comm: Sir is that really a good idea?

Picard: That is an order Commander! …It's ok, Riker's in the toilet clogging it up with a Commander Data…

Geordi Comm: Aye sir. I can finally have my emotional pain cured. LaForge out.

Picard: Emotional… Or more likely dental…

Picard stands up and walks on to the bridge, Mann looks at Pinky.

Picard's voice: Will, Jardi is in Troi's office.

Picard walks back in and sits down.

Picard: In five minute's we'll have that tooth you need.

* * *

Later Picard is dosing in a cargo bay on a basic biobed. In the middle of the room on a small platform, is a tooth.

After a few hours…

B-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z

Mann jumps out from behind a crate and phasers the tooth fairy… who happens to be a very large old woman in a very tight pink dress. She wears purple circular earrings and purple glasses and has her hair up.

Picard wakes.

Picard: GA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! IT'S DAME EDNA!

The tooth fairy wakes later, feeling a phaser on the back of her neck and seeing Picard with a phaser rifle aiming at her.

Tooth fairy (Gruff manly voice): I'm not Dame anyone! And I never carry more than two dollars, two pounds, one yen, or ten credits on me, so don't bother trying to mug me… And anyway I know that tooth isn't yours. I've already given a treat to the owner… Funny, I never check for an accomplice, I always assume that if one person's asleep I'll not be discovered.

Mann is standing behind her.

Mann: We don't want your cash, just information. Did you save us all from a ship-wide illness?

Tooth fairy: No. I deal with teeth. Not that I'm a dentist or anything.

Mann: Being you is at least more of a medical qualification than being Crusher. Ok… Off you go.

He puts his phaser back in his belt holster.

The tooth fairy flies and disappears… then reappears.

Tooth fairy: I'm gonna reward Geordi anyway but for doing that to him, I'm gonna teach you both a lesson…

Mann and Picard are on the couch in the ready room, Pinky is observing the conversation.

Mann: It couldn't have been cured by any of those mythical creatures, I bet it was a Q.

Picard shouts with senility: Q! GET OFF MY BRIDGE!

Mann: We can eliminate the former three from the list easily.

Picard: How?

Mann: I need a tooth.

Picard: Hold on, Picaddulafuj.

Geordi Comm: Yes Captain?

Picard: Report to Counsellor Troi's office.

Geordi Comm: Sir is that really a good idea?

Picard: That is an order Commander! …It's ok, Riker's in the toilet clogging it up with a Commander Data…

Geordi Comm: Aye sir. I can finally have my emotional pain cured. LaForge out.

Picard: Emotional… Or more likely dental…

Picard stands up and walks on to the bridge, Mann looks at Pinky.

Picard's voice: Will, Jardi is in Troi's office.

Picard walks back in and sits down.

Picard: In five minute's we'll have your tooth you need.

Mann: WHAT?

Riker walks in and whacks Mann in the face knocking a tooth out.

Riker: I knew Geordi wouldn't have done anything without your endorsement Mann, shame on you!

Riker walks out.

Picard laughs.

Tooth Fairy voice: I wouldn't laugh yet Captain…

* * *

Mann and Picard are on the couch in the ready room, Pinky is observing the conversation.

Mann: It couldn't have been cured by any of those mythical creatures, I bet it was a Q.

Picard shouts with senility: Q! GET OFF MY BRIDGE!

Mann: We can eliminate the former three from the list easily.

Picard: How?

Mann: I need a tooth.

Picard: Hold on, Picaddulafuj.

Geordi Comm: Yes Captain?

Picard: Report to Counsellor Troi's office.

Geordi Comm: Sir is that really a good idea?

Picard: That is an order Commander! …It's ok, Riker's in the toilet clogging it up with a Commander Data…

Geordi Comm: Aye sir. I can finally have my emotional pain cured. LaForge out.

Picard: Emotional… Or more likely dental…

Mann stands up and walks on to the bridge, Picard looks at Pinky.

Mann's voice: Commander? Captain just ordered someone to Troi's office for marriage and said you were an ogre.

Mann walks back in and sits down.

Mann: In five minute's we'll have a tooth.

Riker walks in and whacks Picard in the face, knocking a tooth out.

* * *

Mann wakes in bed in the dark.

Mann: It was all a dream…? Then why does my mouth hurt?

He feels his mouth.

Mann: OW! My tooth!

He looks under the pillow.

Mann: No cash? Thieving little…

Comm: Picard to Mann, that fairy took my tooth and didn't leave me any money! From now on, no more tooth pranks.

Mann: Hold on one second Captain, I'll check the kitty.

Mann, still lying in bed uses his right arm to search the floor, then lifts up Spot who is in a creeping away pose. Mann grabs her with both hands and shakes…

Mann: I hear no money… Not this time.

* * *

The next day in the ready room Picard and Mann are on the couch.

Mann: Tooth fairy off the list, that leaves Q, Father Christmas, Easter Bunny.

Picard: I tried to contact Easter Bunny by subspace, either she's hibernating or on someone's dinner plate.

Mann: That rules her out. She loves being stroked.

Picard: Yes.

Mann: Q would never help you like that.

Picard: Then it is Père Noël…

Mann: No. There's only a Father Christmas if you're a child, or one of those f*ing annoying kids with lisps in movies about how Sianna Calaws can fix up their divorced parent with some badly covered grey haired decade younger homo*primate business freak or something similar. And no kid in the world ever speaks with extra Ys and Ws. I mean, when I was a kid I never said 'I wyonna twoy frwom Syawwni Clauws…' Stupid movies! G-R-R-R-A-A-A-A-R-R-R-R!

Mann growls loudly.

Pinky: MANN! THAT WAS FAR TOO POLITICALLY INCORRECT!

Mann: My innuendo bleeper is malfunctioning again. I said flaming annoying kids, and homosapien primate, why what do you think I said? What is it with everyone? I'm a Mann, I never have a bad word to say about anybody… Except Crewman Pigg… and Christmas movie producers.

* * *

The Enterprise orbits a planet.

* * *

Picard is with Mann in a transporter room about to beam down, there is a senile old man at the console.

Picard: We're going to the Christmas display on at the main market.

Mann: What, you think you can waltz into a grotto and pick up the big FC?

Picard: Yes.

Mann: In grottos they are just poor or naughty men in suits.

Picard: Nonsense.

Picard taps the console, then they both step on the pad.

Mann: I think you're crazy.

Picard: Energise.

Old: O…Kay, just – a – a minute…

He moves his finger to the console.

Old: Just tap the orange… Oh …wait… no… it's a…

Mann: Computer, energise.

* * *

In a large market place similar to the one in the Bandi base, but with no trees, and less kids, and no Bandi, there is a massively decorated Christmas area. There are stalls everywhere with Christmas themed items on them, and in the centre a big grotto with a line of kids outside. Various humans and aliens are walking around.

Picard and Mann beam down on to the roof of the grotto.

Mann: We're here. Star Trek to me is at its best around Christmas.

Picard: What Trek?

Mann: In case you hadn't noticed, we're standing on the grotto, covered in snow stars and things, would you really want to trek on a grotto roof at any other time of year? You'd look a fool.

The two climb down from the roof and join the queue of kids.

Mann: I think this is a bad idea.

Picard impatient: Can't we get these kids out of the way?

Mann: I have an idea… But it's sick.

Picard: What is it?

Mann whispers in Picard's ear.

Picard smiles: Oh yes…That is sick… But… We appear to have no other options…

Mann: We could shoot up the place…

Picard: Nope…

Picard taps the shoulder of the kid in front.

The kid looks at him.

Picard: I've got sweets in my underpants…

The kid screams and runs off.

Mann puts his hand over his face in regret and disbelief.

Picard satisfied and smiling: One down.

He advances to the next.

Picard: Excuse me luv, your parents want me to take you away in my vehicle for analysis.

The kid then runs away.

Picard: This is so easy.

He moves to the next one.

Picard: Make room for a large one darling.

The 'kid' turns around.

Picard: YOU!

Mann: Why would the tooth fairy be disguised as a kid in a line for the grotto?

Picard looks at the fairy.

Picard: She's carrying ultritium explosives… Enough to kill one or two people…

Mann: We'd better get her out of here.

Picard: Nonsense, it's a long line.

Picard draws his phaser, yanks the explosive vest off the fairy and flings it into the air, then shoots it, it explodes and spreads sparks around, but nothing more serious. This scares more kids out of the line.

Mann: Get lost before we arrest you.

The fairy disappears.

Picard: Only two more kids and a parent, one kid is very tall, but the bigger they are, the harder they fall…

Picard advances on the next kid.

Picard: I know the tooth fairy… She told me I'd better stop eating children… My teeth are falling out, see?

Picard smiles and shows a gap in his teeth.

The kid, after looking runs off.

Picard advances on the kid with a parent.

Picard: I don't know who to harass first, you or your grandmother.

Both the kid and the woman turn around.

Picard: WESLEY? NACHO?

Mann: Thank goodness you didn't repeat the underpants bit.

Picard looking at Mann: I really have got sweets in my underpants.

Picard sticks his hand down his trousers and pulls out a lollipop, and three humbugs.

Mann: Wow. So you see, this works out great… Even though you might be facing three or four lawsuits.

Nacho: I don't need to have Father X grant my wish, he's already here…

Nacho stares at Mann…

Picard scowls.

Wesley: Can I go and see him or do you want to go ahead?

Picard: Mann and I will go on ahead.

Picard pushes past Nacho and Wesley and Mann follows him into the small room decorated like a log cabin living room with lit fire, where a big fat man with white hair and beard sits in a large blue fluffy suit.

Picard jumps on his lap.

Mann stands.

Mann: BLUE?

Father Xmas: Well? What? I can wear blue, in the past I've worn red and green in my supreme position, just as you now wear red in your supreme positions, it used to be green and gold, and before that blue.

Mann: Oh yeah…

Father Xmas: I know you've been a naughty boy Jean Luc… Let's go through the list... Sweets in...

Mann: Not enough time for that.

Father Xmas: Mann? Richard, you are on the nice list…

Picard and Mann: WHY?

Father Xmas: Mann, you've been selfless when it comes to Ensign Mm, Pinky, you've even forgiven Riker for his craziness, and you always deliver treats to those whom you've wronged. You go out of your way for people and causes. And most importantly you've withheld all the meanings of Christmas, love, appreciation, forgiveness, and I've noticed that little nativity set in your quarters. Even when you were on my roof, your thoughts were kind.

Mann imagines in a thought bubble where he's jumping up and down on the roof until the grotto caves in.

Mann: Sounds like bribery.

Picard: Sounds drugged.

Picard: ENOUGH OF THIS! DID YOU CURE MY CREW?

Father Xmas: I did. I heard Mann scream for aid, and since he was such a god boy, I decided to help. You do not believe I am your Christmas postman, but Mann, you will come to see that I am.

Mann: They are two different people! Sod…

Picard: Enough of this, let's go shopping! This freak won't give us any answers.

* * *

Later walking past a stall with Picard, Mann notices a small rotating Father Christmas.

Mann: Rubbish. I believe he's a ton of filthy minded men in suits but not a real figure, I don't think he really saved us, it was probably a ship-wide decontamination sweep run by some crewman that was still conscious…

Picard: Rubbish. Let's go for a non-logical explanation this time.

Picard looks away.

Picard: FORTUNE TELLER!

Mann: Let me guess, you are going to have a merry Christmas right?

Picard: I'm going to find out!

Picard runs off towards the fortune teller, Mann stares at the rotating figure.

Its eyes light blue.

Mann: What the?

* * *

A big white flash, and Mann is in a large snowy landscape with some hills and snow, and more snow, because it's a snowy landscape, full of snow.

Mann is walking in the snow muttering to himself…

Mann: Bloody Q, has to be. Who else would…

A big bright red glow appears.

Mann: IT'S THE BORG! I'M DONE FOR! DON'T ASSIMILATE ME! I'VE GOT RABIES, I'VE GOT CAT FLU, I'VE GOT WINDOWS VISTA, JUST DON'T ASSIMILATE ME!

Mann crouches and shuts his eyes, and puts his hands on his head.

A minute later, someone with thick gloves is patting him on the head.

Jolly old friendly voice: There-there Richard. It's only me.

Mann opens his eyes and sees a convincing-looking Father Christmas, big as life. Behind him is his sleigh and some bored looking reindeer.

Mann: Are you gonna carve me up and feed me to the deer?

FC: No Richard, I'm not… But I would like to have a talk with you…

Mann thinks: Damn. He's got me. He knows everything I've been saying about him over the last few years… I've got to…

Picard's voice in Mann's head: I've got sweets in my underpants…

Mann thinks: What?

Picard's voice in Mann's head: I've got sweets in my underpants…

Mann thinks: Of course, that's what FC's been saying to people.

Mann looks optimistic.

Mann: Hold on there you… As a Starfleet officer I'm placing you under arrest for making toys without a license, violating labour laws, breaking and entering, holding sentient beings to work as slaves, and one or two other things we shouldn't mention… Namely…

FC: I've got sweets in my underpants…

Mann: Exactly.

FC: Is that what you really think, that I'm some creep who doesn't have a legitimate interest in making kids happy?

Mann: If I say no will you be nice?

FC: Of course I will, I'm full of cheer… and cholesterol.

Mann: And don't forget booze… Oh no…

Mann's face looks brassed off.

Mann: This isn't gonna be another 'non-believer gets tour of workshop then finds lost Christmas spirit' thing is it?

FC: No, I know how much you hate movies like that.

Mann: I'm one of three people from the ship who knows what a movie is.

FC: Come with me for a sleigh ride.

Mann: I would but my phaser seems to have disappeared.

FC: I don't mean that kind of sleigh. I'm really a nice man when you get to know me. Just the same with you…

Mann raises his pointing finger and is about to correct…

FC: I know, Nice Mann actually.

Later up in the sky, flying in the sleigh, Mann and FC sit talking.

FC: Mann, I saved your ship from disaster.

Mann: That's what the guy in the grotto said.

FC: He's one of my helpers.

Mann: Bull…

FC: Alright, fine, I use magic and split myself into a few thousand pieces. Each piece goes to a grotto and greets kids. When all the pieces get back together again, that's when I know who is who.

Mann: So when I went to see you twice in one day in two places as a kid you didn't remember me, because not all of you had met me?

FC: Yes.

Mann: I feel so much better. I thought… You know what I thought, creepy man in suit... I usually seem to meet the grumpy smelly alcoholic part of you.

FC: Now Mann, I'm having some issues with the naughty and the nice lists. You and your friends appear on both and I'm not sure what to do. .. except for Pinky that is.

Mann: I…

FC: I can read your thoughts Mann, yes, I will put you all on the nice list if you all get together to reassure me that you can be nice.

Mann: Really?

FC: Yes. So go and do your good deeds before Christmas arrives.

Mann: Now?

FC: Well at twenty one pages I don't know if there's time right now.

Mann: I'll see what we can do…

FC: Good, now's the chance for a good deed… Your captain needs your help.

* * *

Mann appears back in the market. Picard runs over.

Picard: I tried to take an item from that stall over there without paying, then the owner recognised me because of what his kid had told him, now there's a mob chasing me because of my queue-jumping tactics.

A mob emerges.

Picard points at Mann

Picard: IT WAS HIM! HE TOLD ME TO! IN FACT, HE DID IT ALL! LOOK, HE HAS NO HAIR, SO HE MUST HAVE BEEN THE SICK GUY FROM THE GROTTO!

Picard pulls a vile of liquid out and throws it at Mann's hair, which dissolves.

Mann: Oh no…

Picard runs away.

The mob runs at Mann.

Mann: Oh sh…

A guy points and shouts: There he is! The one with sweets in his underpants!

* * *

A session with Counsellor Troi.

Mann is on the couch lounging, Troi is in her chair.

Troi: You're lucky that Will was generous enough to let you in here.

Mann: Generous had nothing to do with it. I agreed to take his shifts for cleaning out Worf's quarters.

Troi: What happened to your innuendo campaign?

Mann: Got rid of it, it was half of the storyline so without it, it would just be Spot hacking my face for a few hours.

Troi: I don't understand that…

Mann: Anyway enough of you, we all need to do some good deeds… Whether or not I really saw Father Christmas doesn't matter, we should all do some good because we need to be pals… And I still think it was probably a Q who saved the ship disguised as the big F.C.

Troi: I sense dense.

Mann: You're not thick Troi, just… unenlightened.

Troi: Right…What else did you do today? … Although I can sense it already.

Mann: My day kinda fizzled out, going to see the big F.C. seemed like a waste of time… Kinda pointless. I suppose you could view it as a kind of cliff-hanger…

Riker bursts through the wall.

Riker: That's what I think about you.

Mann: Will?

Riker: Mann in wrong room.

Mann: Riker, remember our deal? I clean out Worf, you let me see Troi…

Riker: This has gone far enough!

Mann: Ok…

Mann leaves.

Riker: Wow, I didn't expect that.

Troi: Neither did I… I mean, I did.

* * *

A note from Richard Mann...

I owe an apology to someone for not paying them enough attention, and not letting them get a word in. More than that, I owe him my life... Pinky, please forgive me...

Picard: C'mon man!

Mann: Mann actually.

Picard: Do it with fe-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eling, PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-ASE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!


End file.
